Day Thirty-Four

I woke up each morning just to go through the motions of the routine for 2 months, 3 weeks and 3 days, until it took one person to allow me to question my worth, my existence. All the hope, faith, strength and everything childish inside of me was ripped apart to inspection within my mind.

It then took another person to come back into my life to pick me up enough to consider that, that one spark is enough to keep the entirety of my being running.

Then on 11 June 2012 I started to write these blogs, The Reason, so that I may find a reason to rebuild the hope, faith, strength and childhood beliefs back up again. It has been an extremely tough thirty-four days, bringing with it more complex ways of putting everything I shattered back into place. It has complied my mind, body and spirit in a new way, gluing everything back together to create a new design.

Four days out of these thirty-four days I nearly tripped up, believing that one spark was not enough anymore, I found that it’s the strength that needed to be restored within me first, and that, without me knowing it, it had been. I’ve seen and felt the strength within me on many occasions and it’s only through a certain moment when my entire being stops for a few seconds and everything around me comes to a complete halt, that I fully understand the different type of strength I’ve been gifted in order for me to cope, to survive.

After writing these blogs for 1 month and 4 days, I have realized that through the hesitation of someone I love, I have found this new strength. Many pieces have fallen into place within me and my emotions which hang raw in the wind, ready and prepared to be beaten by any hard-hitting weather, are what have helped me.

For the first time in 3 months, 3 weeks and 5 days my senses are awake again.

I got out the car last night and was shocked to stillness with the scent of winter gliding along the icy wind. This morning, I was blessed with the scent of berries from a hair shampoo I’d been using for 2 months which I would’ve sworn was scentless.

I can feel my body waking up and perhaps it’s because my wounds are open and raw for me to see without secrets and lies that I am able to feel and appreciate again. I do not want to run away from the hurt, the anger, the guilt, the rejection… but rather, I want to embrace it and hopefully, continue to find strength in it, so that I may continue to rebuild myself.

Follow @TheFirstChild